It's six days later....
Lux screamed her head off again and I nearly gave up and was truly so close to grabbing her and going home. But she started to calm down in my arms and had actually completely stopped by the time I was in the car. Phew! It's so bloody heart wrenching when she's clinging on for what seems to really feel like life!! I'm praying that it will get better in a few weeks time. Fingers crossed!
So here I am again, I'm back in the gym.. I thought about ditching it both during Lux's screaming session and well since the moment I woke up today in all honesty. I had the perfect excuse not to bother because I truly feel totally broken....again. Lux woke up at 4am and we were up till 6:30 faffing about with toys and books and milk and then AJ got up for work, so that was that. (more or less) With that explanation, no tired parent would have expected me to gym it, even if we did manage an extra little snooze until 8, because as we all rightly know, any 'extra' it's not the same when you don't sleep through.
I've got that all over too hot feeling as if I've been out drinking the night before and your legs do that thing where they just haven't got anything to give you or your body. I haven't been drinking though and yet I'm still bearing the brunt. I could have not bothered so easily but I put on my gym kit before leaving the house so I was ready in order to lessen my instinct to sack it off. I know I would look and feel pretty stupid if I was just in the old gym gear for show. That would be weird right!?
So I'm pedalling and my knees are, post chemo cracking again and clicking away in rhythm, but let's carry on and see what happens. I've planed 15 mins on the bike until I move over to some of the boxology strength exercises. What I consider my warm up... Only 10 more minutes to go.
At just under 5 minutes on the cycling clock the boredom is setting in. The very fit woman I just took the plunge and smiled at did NOT smile back. (Bitch) The interval setting is tiring me out already and I'm getting annoyed that there are über fitties in the quiet zone. What are you doing here? Get out, out, out!
This saddle is so frikking uncomfortable! 3 minutes and counting.
There's 22 minutes left on the clock before I need to leave and I really need a wee. I could just wee and go, nobody would have to know. I mean I've done 50 minutes which is more than I was doing two weeks ago, so surely that will do?
The wee can't wait so I grab my bag and head for the toilets, the skiving guilt already setting in before I've even locked the door. The next thing I know I'm in the what I like to call 'the man' or 'pump it up' zone' and for some miraculous reason I'm there gripping the trx, albeit slightly self consciously as three guys stand around chatting fitness., but what a surprising turn up for the books. There I thought I was heading for the early door, when I've actually mastered not just staying, but upping the gym game to a new level altogether.
So I'm doing the few exercises I know I can pull off and with every squat and lunge I'm starting to not give less of a shit about all my gym insecurities and uncomfortable emotions and just do what I'm there to do. Woaah did I not skive after all? That's so unlike me! I'm the first to quit the gym or make up some lame (everyone knows it and I know it) excuse!
So I'm sweating and I've actually worked out until just over the 22 minutes that were left and I now need to rush out the door to go and get Lux. A result!
Go go go post chemo fitness more determined me, gooooooo! x